Wildfire: Chapter 2 -- Part 1

 

 So, you, poor reader of this blog that you are, might have noticed we got off to a hot start and then quickly died off. This is because we are high schoolers with lives that involve little free time, and when that free time rolls around, it is usually full of projects and plays and college applications and other things.

 Well, now it's summer.
 I MUST GET MY SNARK OUT.

 
 So here we go. Continuing with "Wildfire", chapter 2: PART 1. Last chapter was so huge I'm splitting it up.




This one is titled "sleepwalker" and with a helpful day scheme telling us it is also "thursday". Cool. Thursday. Got it.

 

Persona 4, anyone?

  "This certainly wasn't the first time he'd been all over her, but this was the first time Ash recognized the feeling that had been growing within her all month: disgust"

 No, honey, that's the feeling of teenage boy tongue in your mouth that probably hasn't been brushed in about three months. 

 So basically the chapter starts out with her being groped, kissed, and coming very close to doing but not actually doing a hot Italian guy in the girls dorm of some unmentioned place. He is "six-one, long mop of dark hair, italian features that made him look more twenty-one than sixteen--Bobby Jones was gorgeous. And, quite unfortunately, Bobby Jones knew that."

 I don't know about you but I find little gorgeous about boys who snake their hands up your shirt and want to bang you THAT badly. I mean, dude, you can't wait? You've got to do it in the middle of a girls dormitory? I mean, shit. Calm your raging hormones for a second. Maybe go on a date first? Go kiss under the stars instead? I mean, the girls dorm?

 "But then, like a zombie tentacle rising from a dark bog, his free hand slipped underneath the bottom of her polo again"

 WHAT. GOD. NO. NEVER USE THE WORLD TENTACLE IN THIS SORT OF SCENE. HOLY SHIT.

 Never EVER use the word tentacle in a making-out-almost-sex scene. Unless you're writing tentacle porn than I mean go for it but SERIOUSLY!? This is a YA novel! Did you mean to use that connotation, Karsten? If you did than you are one SICK bastard. On top of that, a zombie tentacle? You are going into some territory you don't want to go into, man. You've apparently been on 4chan way too much or much too little. 

Like this....

Plus this. But with more unwanted sexual connotation.

Also, how does that work? A zombie tentacle? By definition zombies are the living dead, usually that means they used to be humans...so...wut. Besides, what makes a zombie tentacle act differently from a regular one? Does it smell worse? It it rotting? Does it want your brains?

 So apparently this guy is a sleaze bag.  He even mentions later when she's like "um, hey, you can't touch my boobs or my ass, because I don't want you to." he's all like "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CREEP BECAUSE I WANT TO BE A CREEP AND GROPE YOUR ASS WHENEVER I WANT TO GROPE IT. WAAAH."

  "He sulked. 'Yeah, well, even after two months of dating, I feel like if I even look at you a way you don't like, you're going to blow the rape whistle." 


 Okay so I've become the older-teen-jeering-at-the-younger-ones at this point but JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE LIKE 15. TWO MONTHS!? Two months is not a good time to start groping and sexing it up. Actually try like never with this douche. If it hits two months and he's like "I ain't gettin' any" and insulting you about it, then maybe you should be like "I don't care, go away."

 At least the MC is able to take this opportunity to snark this shit up and show an ounce of intelligence. 

   ""Could you be a bigger baby? All this pissing and moaning because I wouldn't let you round second base?" she squeezed her breasts for effect. "They're boobs, Bobby. Grow up.""

 Like, you GO giirrl!

  At the same time I'm sure bobby over there is going "heee hee, she said BOOBIES". Instead he starts to put on his shoes and than INFODUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

 "You know, Ash, you're not in Westchester County anymore. You came to boarding school in NorCal, where everyone else knows each other already. It would have been easy for you to fly under the radar here, but you landed the captain of the soccer team. Maybe you should count your blessings."

 Whoa he's able to infodump and be a jackass. That is serious talent right there.

 MORE INFODUMPING

 "First of all, if you're including yourself as a 'blessing', than there must not be a God."

 For the love of god BREAK UP with him, then! Don't let him zombie tentacle you any longer!

  "And second, if you really knew me, or maybe had half a gorilla's brain, you'd realize that a girl who leaves her high school in the middle of sophomore year to go to a boarding school three thousand miles  anywhere she doesn't know anybody probably wants to fly under the radar."

 "That so?" says Bobby, possibly with an evil smile while twirling his mustache. "See, word on the street is that you moved here to get away from your crazy sister."

 Ashline apparently freaks out. "Who told you that?"

 "It's called the internet, Ashline. You've been acting shady lately, and I thought to myself, 'You're dating the girl. Why not run a little background check?' Dead girl on the front lawn...Outlaw sister on the run...All I know is that, if all that's true, than maybe I better start worrying whether insanity's hereditary."

  Okay, wait a second. He looked her up on the internet? who the hell DOES that!? So he's a condescending jerk who just wants to do her AND looks her up on the internet to find things out? That's an abusive boyfriend right there. Makes Edward Cullen look like a saint. Apparently this girl does not pick well.
 Also second of all who googles someone and expects to find anything but their facebook? I mean really.

He punches her with his WORDS.

   


 "Get out of here, Bobby" Demands Ashline like the sane person she is.

 "Whoa." says Bobby, who I will now call Jackass. "now she gets passionate about something. Here's a word of advice, Ash. Why don't you start acting like you're sixteen, and stop acting like such a bipolar freak?"

 JESUS. She isn't doing anything. I mean, damn, she's being sane. Like, "Hey Jackass, can you leave? You're being, well, a jackass." 
 This guy is such a jerk he needs a neon sign to tell the world I AM AN ASS







 

 There we go! Perfect. 

 So then Ashline freaks the HELL out and slams her alarm clock at him. I mean, okay. That's okay. He's being an abusive jerk. I had hoped Bella did that to Edward ALL through Twilight. This is at least better. And she takes joy in watching him cower. 

 Yeah, girl, I would too. I would, too.

  Except he calls her "maniac" and then she comes at him with a FREAKING LAMP. Like she is about to murder this jerk. Murder. To death.

 With another roar Ash seized hold of the lamp on her nightstand and yanked that out of the socket as well...

 Something is wrong with me, because I keep imagining her as Ash Ketchum because of her name. Like, from Pokemon. But female and slutty.

Like this, but even sluttier and wielding a lamp.

 So then Ash's best bud shows up, Misty --- I mean, Jackie Cutter. She is the prefect for the floor, as the narration tells us.

 On a perfectly normal day Jackie was always squinting, her eyes darting from side to side, as if she were trying to catch sight of her blond feathered hair.

 Maybe it's me, but this analogy makes no sense to me. Who searches for their hair from the corner of their eye? Why do we care? Did she wake up from a sleepy or drunken stupor and suddenly think "SHIT, WHERE'D MY HAIR GO! DID I LOSE IT?! Oh no, it's still there in all it's blondness. Phew. Thought I went bald for a second, tehee."
 It's like the author wants to shoehorn the idea that this girl is blond in the worst place possible. "Hey guys. Hey. She's blond. Hey. I don't want to come up with a personality for anyone so I want you to place all your sterotypes of blond people onto her because I'm lazy. Her character trait is her blondness. SHE'S BLOND."

  So Jackie comes along and tells her that Ash needs some booze. Not talking to, not to break up with Jackass, but booze. Lots of booze.
 Like when Ash says she needs "Eight hours of rest before tomorrow's exam? Bug Spray that repels assholes?"
  Jackie, being the best fucking friend on planet earth, is like "I was thinking more along the lines of a cocktail or two. Maybe five."  


 YES GIRLS. Who needs self esteem? Who needs studying, good grades, or sleep? Booze. All the booze. Get as DRUNK as possible and your man won't seem like such a douche! And you can fake sick with that hangover--no test.


 Okay, seriously though? It's like Karsten Knight here is saying "LETS DO EVERY YA CLICHE EVER"
 Superpowers? check
 AWOL family member? check
 Non-existent parents? check
 Boarding school? check
 Describing people's appearances every chance ever? check
 Racially diverse main character who acts all bad? check
Abusive boyfriend? check
Drowning all sorrows in booze and getting drunk? check
Being BAD? check


 All we need is a SEXY SEXY SEX man to come along with his GALLOPING ABS and swipe her off her feet.
 Give it time.
 Give it time. 
 Before this chapter is over I promise you she'll be talking about his sexy hands.
 They always talk about the sexy hands.

Soon. Soon.

 So this guy is going to take them to booze is up somewhere, apparently. He pulls up in a car after a long description about how people don't have cars in their remote boarding school and how special they are for having one. Darren Puget's his name, and apparently he...okey let me just give you this snippit of text:

 He leaned out the window with a huge grin spread across his face, wearing the reflective aviator sunglasses he never seemed to go without, with zero regard for time of day or weather.
 Later he tosses his chin-length hair back with an insulted humph.

 Holy shit. This guy is the biggest douchebag I've ever seen. IT'S NIGHTTIME. He's wearing sunglasses. His hair. Where do I start? Seriously. What. The. Hell.
 Is there a man here who isn't a douchebag? He seems like someone from Jersey Shore. From now on he will be dubbed JSD, short for Jersey Shore Douchebag.

 So his car apparently needs a push because he can't afford to be THAT good looking and own a good car...or...something. Heck if I know. Anyways, he gets her to push it with the most condescending way possible. And he stays in the car. Look, I'm all for gender equality here, okay? If a girl can stay in a car while a guy pushes it, than it should work the other way around. Either way, it's really shitty thing to do to DEMAND they push it while being a jackass about it.


 "Don't give me that look, princess." JSD wagged a finger at her "And let's be honest here. Between the three of us, you are the only varsity athelete, and by a landslide the most muscular. So ditch the heels, stretch those born-to-play-tennis legs of yours, and get behind the damn truck." When Ash made no initial move to do as he said, he added, "Truck's not going to push itself."

 So not only do we get another random infodump here (she plays tennis, guys! Varsity, guys! ISN'T SHE SPECIAL) we also get to have Jersey Shore Doucebag be a jerk to her. Like, 'snap snap, woman maid, push my fucking car.'

 Seriously?
 Seriously?

 There is a lengthly description about their school, which I glazed over because come on -- it's boring and I don't give a shit. Show me, don't tell me. Apparently it's all so you can know that the reason they're pushing it is because the motor will make a loud noise when they drive by the deans office?
 .....and pushing it on gravel won't?
 WAIT A SECOND. JSD is sitting in that car while they push it ALL OVER CAMPUS!? He doesn't even get out to help! Jesus christ!

  As they leave, JSD says "Jesus, Ash, have you been mixing steroids in your oatmeal? That was some Wonder Woman shit." 
 "I don't know what got into me" Ash bit her lip sheepishly
 "I know what didn't get into you" jackie winked at her.

 Wait what. What is she saying that Jackass didn't 'get into her'?
That is crude
That is crude even for me

Okay so they go to this bar, right? It's a saloon. It's an honest to god SALOON. With swinging doors and everything. Kristen here is trying to tell us it's a small town, I mean, he comes right out and says it, but small towns have saloons, right? RIGHT? Not sleazy biker bars. No, Saloons.

Really?

THIS!?

Ash ignored the twenty pairs of hungry males eyes and carelessly flipped her fake ID onto the bar.

 WAIT I missed a cliche, sorry.

 Everyone loves her/wants to have sex with her/undresses her with their eyes? BIG OL CHECK.

SHE IS A SPECIAL SEXY SNOWFLAKE OKAY GUYS!? OKAY!?

 
 And that is where I leave you, for this chapter is like 50 pages and I simply have to read it in small chunks or my brain melts. 


 Till next time, this was Hannah the Snark.