Wildfire: Chapter One

  I have had the wonderful pleasure of being invited to this blog full of snarky snark and books, two of my favorite things on planet earth. So here goes, review of "Wildfire" by Karsten Night, chapter one. Or, more like, read along review. Why read this book when you can just read this snarky synopsis? I think that's a good way to go about it, personally.

 So as I read this book, I will be writing this review. I am going into this a fresh mind, just as lost as you. 

 So I flip to the back cover and read a little synopsis. Ashline is, apparently, having a rough Sophomore year (I'd love to see how she fairs Junior and Senior years). She's the only Polynesian girl in school, her boyfriend cheated on her, her runaway sister just appeared in her life, and worst of all she has to - gasp! - transfer. At first, it's great for Ashline (how do you even say that, anyways? Ash-li-ne? Ash-line? Ash-Le-ne?. Whatever. I am calling her "Ash-line".), because she meets, and I quote "hot local park ranger" and has a "steamy romance".

 This is starting to sound like words used to describe bad trashy romance novels or pornography.

 Welcome to the world of YA!

 But anyways, poor Ashline has a problem. gods and goddesses have shown up at her school to wreck havoc or...something? I'm not sure how that's a problem. Oh, and she is one. Yeah...not...not seeing how being a god is a problem. Ever.

 Okay, time to start reading this puppy!




   To my surprise, before I even turned to the front page, I saw a table of contents. Complete with titles and time periods between chapters. Like you've got "PART I: THE REDWOODS", and then a helpful "eight months later" tacked onto the bottom. Because you know, if you can't get that from the context of the book itself, the table of contents will help!

 I knew right away this was going to be a serious business book. There is a CONTENTS PAGE. An entire page! Telling you the contents! Because fantasy books tell you stuff with content pages, otherwise your puny brain couldn't comprehend where you left off last without those vague two word chapter titles. I knew right away the awesome of this book would be so great it would turn my brain into mush incapable of placing a bookmark.

   The book starts out pretty innocently, with a wonderful first line of:

    "Ashline Wilde was a human mood ring."

Like this, but with a human face.

 If this confuses you, don't worry, the author clears it up immediately afterwards by following it with the line:

 "Sixteen years old, and she was a cauldron of emotions -- frothing, bubbling, and volatile."

 Oh, so she's sixteen. Okay. That explains it. That is part of a side effect of 16, being all frothy, bubbly, and volatile. Hint: it's the hormones.

 "And as she loomed over her combatant in the dusty Scarsdale High School parking lot, it didn't take an answer key for the gathering crowd to decipher her mood du jour.
 Ashline was pissed."

 Yes Madame, the mood du jour is pissed with a sprinkling of oregano. Yes, that does come with a side of anger and fists.

 Also, cat fights.

 Our lovely heroine is punching some "skinny blond girl flat out on her ass" quipping about how the blondie 'couldn't find her own boyfriend'.

 Lizzie raises to her feet wiping her cut lip, brushing off her fancy jeans, and propping herself on the hood of a car. I imagined this as a scene from those fighting animes I watched as a kid, where the hero -- beat to an impressive pulp that would murder anyone but him -- pulls himself back up, spits some blood, wipes his mouth, and says something witty. I was just about ready for this bitch to go super saiyan on our main character's ass when she says her line:

  "Oh, I could. He just happened to be yours at the time."

Watch out guys, we've got a badass over here.

 "With all those guys who come in and out of the revolving door to your Volvo's backseat, you had to have your paws on Rich, too?"

 Dayaam girl, serious burn right there.

 "Summoned by the promise of bloodshed, students flooded out of the high school's back doors, the circle around the two girls growing thicker by the minute." 

 Where is this school!? Freaking medieval Europe or something? A distopian future where everyone enjoys fights to the death!? Is it the Capital or something? Holy shit. It's like they're vultures clambering over a dead carcass, and that carcass is a not-so-witty cat fight.

 "First Rule of school yard fights: It doesn't matter who you cheered for, as long as someone got slapped around."

 Okay, I get it. This place is Ghetto. This place is ghettoer than ghetto. Thank you, dear Karsten Night, I understand now, no need to keep showing us how utterly insane these people are. Thank you. I have only been stuck in my sheltered hippy school and my homeschooling career where a school yard fight meant a vague threat of "COME AT ME, BRO", and beating up my pillow in teen angst fueled rage, respectively. I have seen what is like.
 Thank you, Karsten
I see the light.
The horrible, horrible, blood stained light.

 So her boyfriend comes along and she's like "my friend told me in chemestry my boyfriend cheated on me and I was soo pissed but now that I see him I don't know what to dooo" and as Lizzie protests behind them, Ash chimes in:

 "Shut up, bitch," Ash said, raising a hand to silence her. "The grown-ups are talking."

 I want to use that "we got  a badass over here" rage face every single time they have interactions with eachother

That's the way to start out a book, isn't it? With a huge catfight? The author was like "I can show what a badass our main character is and show my witty dialogue!" but it just comes off like "I AM TRYING TO BE EDGY NOTICE ME."

 Oh also her parents are divorced. That's sort of shoehorned into a sentence about Rich, her boyfriend.

 So her boyfriend says some stuff that's jerkish, as cheaters are to do, and so Ash goes and cries in a corner and confides in friends over her terrible fate.
 HAHA no she beats him until he's in a fetal position.

 So Lizzie's being a bitch and mentions Ash's dark skin and how she was a "bush child her parents came home from vacation with", and generally states her race as this negative horrible thing and... I mean, really? What decade is this? Well, this is the school of blood hungry vultures, I guess.

Anyways, this pisses Ash off, so she throws Lizzie directly into a car, smashing out one of her teeth. it is also mentioned she is Polynesian.  Extra credits for the car being her boyfriends, leaving a sizeable dent in it.

 It was one of those genuine oh-shit-what-did-I-just-do moments when everything slows down.

 As opposed to those fake "oh-shit-what-did-I-just-do" moments, that don't grant you with time slowing super powers.

 So the principal or some teacher comes along and is like "you kids are blocking the fire lanes!". When he sees the Lizzie sprawled in the snow, searching for her lost 'toof' frantically, he just turns to Ash and nonchalantly gives her a little witty quip about her excuse.

 Then Eve shows up.
Ash's older sister, on a motorcycle as bad girls are inclined to ride, pulls up to talk to her sister after disappearing for three months. But apparently Mr.whats-is-name doesn't want her there because she was expelled. And then she smacks Lizzie in the face and rides off into the sunset.

 So after a heartwarming scene -- a well written and sad scene that made me feel true emotion for this character I have been snarking -- between her parents over her missing sister. Her sister and her were apparently very very close, and when she disappeared, they thought she was gone forever. Why she didn't react more like that when she showed up on her Harley or whatever, I don't know. Anyways, it's very gut-wrenching, quite sad. Her mom brings along this little jacket from when Eve was 13 and a gymnyst and not a blondie-punching motorcycle riding bad girl in case they find her and "Eve gets cold." So her parents, after a short touching moment, leave Ash's grounded butt at home to find Eve.

 And then, DUN DUN DUN, Lizzie shows up, tossing around a lacrosse stick menacingly with two girlfriends in tow like valkyrie or something.

 As her vision adjusted to the dark, Ash observed that Lizzie was carrying something--a field hockey stick-- that she tossed playfully from hand to hand. If Ashline's ears could be trusted, then Lizzie's partners in crime were her teammates Gabby and Alexis.

 They probably weren't there to sell Girl Scout cookies.

.....They probably weren't there to sell Girl Scout cookies.

Girl Scout Cookies? Really? No better joke you could have come up with there, Karsten?

 Haha, guys, guys, it's so funny! He made the girl scout joke because they're blonde and preppy and IT'S HILARIOUS.

 So the girls decide to spray paint Ashline's house with a big penis or two, thinking she's not home. After taking out the other two girls with her solid snakey-level stealthyness, or basically just showing up and telling them "Hey, I'm here", they run off and tell her Lizzie is on the roof. Bingo. Fight to the death!

  So Asheline and Lizzie are going to have a showdown on the roof. Fitting place, right? Ash climbs up to find that Lizzie has sprawled "SLUT!" on her roof, being the classy lady she is. Snarkily (I sort of am warming up to this girl, actually) she crouches down next to Lizzie and offers to help her paint the dot in the ! with some paint she stole from the other girls and engages in other tomfoolery, like painting a target onto her enemy's best sweater.

Ash smiled acidly. "I figured I'd tag you, so that animal control would know there is a wild bitch on the loose."

 (Okay, so that one made me laugh a little. I'm warming up to this Ashline or Ash or....whoever.)

  Lizzie sort of freaks out, calls her some names, all that. But Ash is just asking her to go home and leave her alone. I was hoping for an epic showdown, but okay. That also works.

 Then Eve shows up.
 When the badass shows up, you know shit is going to go down. Waay down. So Eve just sort of pops up on the roof and grabs Lizzie by the neck and starts chocking her.
 To death.
Also, magical powers.

 Yeah, so looks like Eve can control the weather. And she uses this newfound powers to fucking murder Lizzie.
To death.

 "This is bigger than the law now. This is about respect." Eve narrowed her eyes at Lizzie. "You should have learned your lesson the first time."

 The skys open up, causing Lizzie's hair to spike up, lightening shooting out of her mouth, all while Eve has a firm grasp on her neck like she's a rubber chicken.
 And then she's dead. Her limp, lifeless and smoking body is thrown off the roof and Eve just turns to leave.

Wait, what?

 She opened up the sky, electrocuted a girl from the inside out, and threw down her lifeless body.

 Well...
shit
I didn't expect this to happen.

Yeah...didn't expect that to happen.

  And then Eve demands that Ashline come with her to unlock her potential. The place Eve's been for the past three months has something to do with her electrocuting powers. But Ashline is like "Uh, fuck no, you just murdered someone."
 So Eve disowns her, throws her into the snow below with her magical powers, and leaves her limp and possibly with a concussion.


 END OF CHAPTER ONE

 So...yeah. A lot of shit just went down. I kind of want to read more now. Expect and wait for Chapter 2, I suppose?

 Until then, this has been Hannah the Snarky, bringing you "Wildfire".