Hey Guys! Oh my god, it is great to be here. I want to thank my mother, my agent, and my God.
Now that that is out of the way let us get down to this, the first straight-up post on this blog. The book I have chosen is the incomparable "Little Blog on the Prairie." (Which you can purchase at your local independent book sellers or from Amazon if you want to aid in the destruction of all that is good and right in our society.) This book has a kernel of a good idea and very, very poor execution. So, time for(queue theme music)
CORRECTED PROOFS to step in and lend a hand.
The basic premise of this book is that Gen, a supremely unlikable teenager from the suburbs is forced to go to a special camp site with her family. The twist: this special camp is, essentially, a historical reenactment of the Little House on the Prairie time. So, fun times, yes?
Gen, in order to keep her sanity, starts a blog in which she recorders her hilarious(read obnoxious) thoughts on all who know her. So, yeah, that's the book. Who wouldn't want to read a book about an obnoxious girl spending 248 pages complaining about how hard her life is?
Now that you're sold on the premise(again, you can pick up your copy from any nice, small "Mom and Pop" organization or the giant, evil, capitalistic machine named after a river) let's get onto the first chapter.
"At first, it felt like a normal family vacation."
With these words, the book opens. Now, let's pause here with our red(or in my case, blue) pens. Really? That is really what you're going to go with to open up your book? That is, quite possibly, the worst hook I have ever read. In addition, everything the book says after that proves that it never felt like a normal family vacation. So, first off, we cut that hook. Cut it, kill it dead.
The next sentence makes clear an ongoing problem in the book: too many words. Now, let me be clear, I have no problem, necessarily, with authors writing in a 'wordy' manner. But, there is such a thing as overkill. Take, for a taste, this segment of the second sentence.
"the chewing of three pieces of gum as the plane rook off so my ears wouldn't pop."
Okay, so, first off, why on earth do we need to know how many pieces of gum she chews? Is that supposed to give us more insight into her personality? Also, how do you chew three pieces of gum as a plane is taking off? I chew a lot of gum, so I know, for a fact, that you cannot go through three pieces of gum as a plane is taking off. Unless, she chews three pieces and once, in which case....WHAT?! Why, good God Almighty, would you waste so much gum? I mean, first, how does it all fit in your mouth? Are these super small pieces of gum? Or does she have some sort of monster jaw? But, putting that aside, what would be the point? You would lose the flavor at the same rate as you would with one? God, this insane.
Next, in that one sentence, she has to tell us why she was chewing gum. Honey, we ALL chew gum on airplanes. And we know darn well why we do it. So, don't tell us why you're chewing the gum, we can figure it out.
Then they land and proceed to meet up with some weird farmer guy. The author, for some reason, takes time to explain, in weird detail, exactly what this guy is wearing. Again, I must ask, why? What is this saying about her character? Or is this just the writer showing that she can...describe? I don't really know.
Anyway, while describing this guy we get the doozy of a sentence:
Back in Sixth grade, I had to do a report on the Amish, and Ron looked like one of them except the Amish usually drive buggies and making pretzels, and Ron was holding a sign that said, "The Welsh Family"--that's us--as if he were some kind of celebrity limo driver gone wrong."
Jeez, so where should I start? Let's begin with "
except the Amish usually drive buggies and making pretzels" Okay, now, what on earth does this sentence mean? And is it offensive? Pretzels? This sentence also shows the beginning of this author's mortal battle with tense. (Spoiler: She loses. All the time.)
Okay, next let's address all the random freaking stuff in this sentence. How many clauses are there? I mean, God, it makes my head spin. I can't even...also, this sentence marks the beginning of yet another problem: the main character is simply not funny. She's mean spirited, humorless, arrogant, and immature. The "joke" about the celebrity limo driver? God, just shoot me now.
So, thus ends the Second paragraph. Now, to the third paragraph. We ride "down an endless dirt road" and meet Betsy, Ron's wife. Once we meet her we get my favorite part of any book: fat jokes. While Ron looks like Frankenstein, Betsy looks like "the Pillsbury Doughboy. Or woman. Or Whatever."
Tee he, Pillsbury Doughboy, get it? Because she's fat. God.
We then get a bunch of random description of what Betsy is wearing. And, after a third of a page of description, we get this line:
"Welcome," Betsy called down from the porch, "to the year 1890."
Okay, so let me just ask: Why was that not the first line? That's not a great hook, but it'll make you read on. Imagine, you crack open a book and see the first line.
"Welcome to the year 1890."
And you're like "Woah, this awesome! What do they mean? Is this about time travel? Is this a historical novel about some person with amnesia who has no idea what year it is? Is this about some crazy person who pretends it's a different year? WHAT IS THIS?!"
And you read on. But, no. No we started with:
"At first, it felt like a normal family vacation."
(Page two, y'all. Page two!)
We start Page Two with a paragraph analyzing the psychological implications of historical reenactment, or something? God only knows. Now we get a flashback to a fight that Gen and her mom had. This fight includes such killer dialogue as:
"
Genevieve, you will thank me later."
Call Geneva, we have ourselves a Noble Laurette right here.
Then we jump back to present(no indication is included other than a space. Please, Ms. Author, give us a dash or something) and the book takes a really, really weird turn. Take this line:
""Come," Ron said to my brother Gavin and my dad now. "I'll show you the barn while the ladies here get all feminized."
Okay, let's begin with the line "My dad now." What? Who was her Dad before? Is she adopted? WHAT IS GOING ON? Also, if you were able to read that sentence without either swearing in your head or mentally banging your head against a wall, you are a better person than I. "Get all feminized?"
Quick note here, I first read that sentence as "I'll show you the barn where the ladies get all feminized." And I was SO confused. But, yeah.
Then we get to meet her dad who has not turned off his Black Berry all day. He also, apparently, is distant and defers to the mother. So, yeah. We also are informed that the house rule is no cell phones until college which is....weird, but whatever. The character also spends some time hating on her mom which is always endearing. Then we get some more description of clothes(is this author a fashion designer or something?)
Then we get all this fantastic rubbish about her mom, how she has all these dreams and pushes her kids and loves Little House on the Prairie and is psyched for this camp. Then we're teased about Nora, Betsy's daughter, who is out milking, as one does in the middle of the day. Then we hear tell about Gen's best friends who basically sound like jerks and Gen's crushed that she can't be with them this summer.
Then we get informed that Betsy's house smells nice and Gen tries to guilt her into feeding them(also a great tactic to make your main character likable.) Then we get some awful dialogue that talks about things we already know, more random clothes stuff, and then....the reveal: Gen is only going on this trip because, when she gets back, her mom is going to give her a cell phone.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
(Also her mom this eBay is called eDay, LOL)
Thus ends Chapter 1
